I am survivor
Everyone is a survivor from their own life stories
I am a survivor from a cruel humanity
a survivor from permanent memory
I am survivor coz I'm still alive
Even tho I'm already dead inside
The pain I'm having is not something like when u getting urself cutting by a knife, U bleed, U cried, U give it a cure then U're ok already and forgetting bout the bruise.
The pain I'm having is something like poison, spreading through my veins, my heart, my head and mind. It poisons my mind, it possess my heart. Every single night and day it telling me that I'm worthless, I'm a trash, I'm guilty for myself. I give myself punishments until I feel satisfy. I can't feel the the love other people trying to give as I see it threatening, doubtful and full of agendas behind. I can't put trust to people coz because of trust I got this experience. I'm trying to accept myself as who I am but it already half-damaged.
Everyday I'm running from myself, from my own thinking, from my own blames and it always end up I'm hurting someone else even tho I never want to. I feel like I can't carry this burden of pain. It follows me for the rest of my life.
Maybe for some people, it's normal to have bad experience in our past. But for me, I think I'm carrying it forever...in my face, in my heart, in my head, in my eyes, in my dreams at night. It shaped me to be me today, it gives me so much alertness, too much alertness that I can't differentiate which one is needed which one is not.
Every single day I learn how to trust people around me and thanks God it getting better but still I'm curing myself slowly. I think no one can ever understand and help me getting through this coz they think this is a temporary pain.
The feeling of being betrayed to, the feeling of unprotected when u need it the most at that moment, the feeling of losing ur innocence, losing of ur pride! Losing everything, the feeling of emptiness, the feeling of confusion, the feeling of so broken inside that no one hears ur cries coz u think u're the one at fault, the feeling of ur voice can't be heard coz u're small and weak, the feeling of injustice, the feeling of hatred, the feeling of want ur sufferings to be understood, the feeling of insecure, the feeling of trauma, the feeling of disgusted, the feeling of out of place, the feeling of the difference in you than others, the feeling of having labeled scars, the feeling of denial......everything, u won't understand.
If my head can explode, it already had.
