Sunday, November 30, 2014

Mungkin separuh diriku dah move on,
Mungkin jugak kurang dari separuh..

Dan selebihnya? aku masih berjuang
Melawan diri sendiri, hampir setiap hari
Tiada siapa yg faham, aku seperti mati

Aku tak pernah ada keyakinan pada diri aku
Macam mana aku nak ada rasa itu sedangkan aku still x dpt terima diri aku completely

Aku selalu teringin sngt utk menyumbang sesuatu to anyone,
I want to help out, I want to contribute, even the smallest thing
But i never do, coz I think I'm not qualify...
I'm not qualified coz I am me.
Will they accept helps from this person?

I wanna love and being loved,
But I can never have it
Coz I am me.
Simply just because this is me.

I dunno how to accept myself
I always think everyone actually secretly hating me
For the things I'm not sure
But for me to hate myself, I got the reasons
I can't forgive me
I can't accept me
I want to sleep
Long sleep
Deep sleep
In a world that I can accept myself
I wanna sleep.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Trying to be strong
Even I am broken inside

Trying to smile
Even inside I wanna scream

Trying to stand still
Even I'm about to fall into the ground

Trying to forget and live
Even all I do is just pretending.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Just a shell of the rotten soul
Wander blindly driven by the wind
Sometimes struggle to fly
But the storm always in the way

Don't care anymore
Shell is forever a shell
Not a colorful petal
Blooming into a flower
And I'm cracking and fragile
Waiting to be broken again

Rain just make it bleeding
Sunshine just killing
Darkness may heal
Embraces me in

Saturday, November 8, 2014

I am survivor
Everyone is a survivor from their own life stories

I am a survivor from a cruel humanity
a survivor from permanent memory
I am survivor coz I'm still alive
Even tho I'm already dead inside

The pain I'm having is not something like when u getting urself cutting by a knife, U bleed, U cried, U give it a cure then U're ok already and forgetting bout the bruise.

The pain I'm having is something like poison, spreading through my veins, my heart, my head and mind. It poisons my mind, it possess my heart. Every single night and day it telling me that I'm worthless, I'm a trash, I'm guilty for myself. I give myself punishments until I feel satisfy. I can't feel the the love other people trying to give as I see it threatening, doubtful and full of agendas behind. I can't put trust to people coz because of trust I got this experience. I'm trying to accept myself as who I am but it already half-damaged. 

Everyday I'm running from myself, from my own thinking, from my own blames and it always end up I'm hurting someone else even tho I never want to. I feel like I can't carry this burden of pain. It follows me for the rest of my life. 

Maybe for some people, it's normal to have bad experience in our past. But for me, I think I'm carrying it my face, in my heart, in my head, in my eyes, in my dreams at night. It shaped me to be me today, it gives me so much alertness, too much alertness that I can't differentiate which one is needed which one is not. 

Every single day I learn how to trust people around me and thanks God it getting better but still I'm curing myself slowly. I think no one can ever understand and help me getting through  this coz they think this is a temporary pain. 

The feeling of being betrayed to, the feeling of unprotected when u need it the most at that moment, the feeling of losing ur innocence, losing of ur pride! Losing everything, the feeling of emptiness, the feeling of confusion, the feeling of so broken inside that no one hears ur cries coz u think u're the one at fault, the feeling of ur voice can't be heard coz u're small and weak, the feeling of injustice, the feeling of hatred, the feeling of want ur sufferings to be understood, the feeling of insecure, the feeling of trauma, the feeling of disgusted, the feeling of out of place, the feeling of the difference in you than others, the feeling of having labeled scars, the feeling of denial......everything, u won't understand.

If my head can explode, it already had. 

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