Stupid Heart never know how to cool down

There is time, I am weak...I am lost, I am worn out, I am bleeding inside and no one knows

I never ask for something bigger from all of you, human race coz human are just disappointing, but since I am human too, sometimes my heart feel that I need some words from other human but yet, I don't.

And what is more painful than disappointing? It's so painful till I have no words to explain. I told my heart to hush down, hey heart, can you be more stiff? can you just be quiet? Why you're so sensitive and begin to shake? What's on earth you have to break down?

If I can tear open my chest, I will take you out, heart. I will take you out and throw you to the floor, crash you, smash you so you can be quiet. Now, hush!

come

Come with me for a little ride, see the shadows passing by
Look at the sun and see the clouds turn to faces in the sky
We've been awake all night, shattered dreams all around
Close your sad, sad eyes we will be safe and sound
Daydreaming lightly through the rain
All's forgiven on a summer train
Seems we are a thousand miles away from last night
As you sigh in my ear, kiss the rain goodbye

And the windows are crying, but this train is flying us all through the rain, I fear
And the sky is getting brighter with every mile
And it all seems clear

Friends

Sometimes you think you'll be fine by yourself
Cause a dream is a wish you make all by your own
It's easy to feel like you don't need help
But it's harder to walk on your own
You'll change inside
When you realize
The world comes to life
and everything bright
from beginning to end
when you have a friend, by your side
that helps you to find
the beauty of all when you're open your heart and believe in
the gift of a friend.

Someone who knows when you're lost and you're scared
they through the highs and the lows
someone you can count on
someone who cares, beside you wherever you go
and when your hope crashes down
shattering to the ground
you, you feel all alone
when you don't know which way to go
and there's no such leading you on
you're not alone.

Monolog

Aku ingin menulis,
Tapi fikiranku kosong tanpa aksara

Aku ingin bercerita,
Tapi lidahku kelu berbicara

Aku ingin bermimpi,
Tapi tidurku masih belum lena

Aku ingin menangis,
Tapi kekeringan air mata

Aku ingin tertawa,
Tapi tiada yang bahagia

Aku ingin menjadi aku,
Tapi diriku jua musuh yang nyata

I have the right to cry

I don't want anything else in this world.

What I want just..trust.

Sedikit pengakuan, just monolog again

Kadang-kadang aku rasa diri aku nak buat benda jahat, do something that I never done before tapi aku masih ada conscience.

Kadang-kadang aku rasa aku dah xde perasaan untuk benda-benda yang sepatutnya manusia letakkan emosi mereka, tapi aku menangis untuk perkara-perkara kecil dan remeh-temeh. Aku menangis rindukan kucing aku, aku menangis bila tangan aku terluka dan berdarah sikit, aku menangis duduk sorang2 tengah2 malam kat rumah sewa, aku menangis rindukan teman-teman..lol, tapi aku x mampu keluarkan air mata untuk perkara yg besar..aku x  menangis dengan kematian orang-orang yg aku kenal dalam hidup aku. Tak walau setitis air mata. Aku x menangis arwah nenek aku meninggal, aku x menangis arwah atok aku meninggal, aku x menangis arwah sepupu aku meninggal, aku x menangis abah aku masuk hospital, aku x menangis tengok mak aku menangis. Bila aku tengok semua org sekeliling aku begitu mudah mengalirkan air mata, aku cuba juga tapi ak x boleh, even kalau aku menangis waktu tu pun, mungkin sebab lain. Mungkin sebab aku x mampu menangis. :'D

Kadang-kadang aku rasa aku give up dengan manusia. Aku x kisah pun kalau ada org nak marah aku or maki aku, hati aku x terusik sangat. Selalu sangat aku sengaja buat org sekeliling aku marah dengan aku, aku memg saja cari pasal semata-mata nk tengok sejauh mana dorg dpt tahan kesabaran utk marah aku n the results are...ummphhh memg kena marah, then aku tadahkan saja telinga. Aku pun x tau kenapa aku suka org marah aku.

Kadang-kadang aku selalu rasa dunia ni x adil, manusia selalu mengabaikan keadilan even sekecil-kecil benda. Aku selalu rasa aku x dapat pembelaan yg sepatutnya. Aku memg mangsa ketidakadilan. Orang yg berbuat jahat pada aku selalu dipandang tinggi, dan aku, x didengari. So, aku sngt mementingkan keadilan dan saksama dalam apa2 benda pun. Tak kira org tu lelaki atau perempaun. X ada isu gender dalam mencapai sesuatu.

Kadang-kadang aku rasa diri aku terlalu lemah dan pengecut. Sebab tu aku hanya mampu berdiam diri dan aku x pernah berdiri membela diri aku sendiri, dalam apa sekalipun. Kalau aku dianggap pesalah sekalipun, aku hanya berdiam diri. Memang itulah aku. Seolah-olah, andai ada kereta datang utk langgar aku, aku x akan menjerit dan lari, tapi aku hanya kaku berdiri di situ dan menanti apa yg akan terjadi saja.

Banyak sungguh word kadang-kadang.

BAIK vs JAHAT

Salam. Good day. Selamat sejahtera. Hai. Hey. Hello?

LOL

Hari ni tetiber saja otak aku berfikir benda pelik lagi. BAIK VS JAHAT. Aku berfikir yang sebenarnya ada ke orang jahat dalam dunia ni, ada ke orang baik dalam dunia ni.

And, pada pendapat aku, tak ada label baik atau jahat untuk seseorang tu, untuk sesiapa pun. Sebab? Sebab x ada seorang manusia pun yang dapat jamin diri dia tu baik sepenuhnya dan diri dia tu jahat sepenuhnya. Sebenarnya kita semua adalah gabungan jahat dan baik. =_="

Contohnya, orang tu dia mencuri dan merompak. Dia jahat. Tapi, dalam masa yang sama dia bagi makan dekat seekor kucing kurap tepi jalan. Eh, baik pulak. Dia ni jahat ke baik? Sebenarnya aku rasa perbuatan merompak dia tu yang jahat, diri dia bukan jahat. Perbuatana dia bagi makan kucing tu baik, tapi diri dia tu bukanlah baik. Kita semua manusia yang tak perlu label baik atau jahat tapi label baik atau jahat tu untuk perbuatan kita, bukan identiti atau personaliti.
Pastu, ada orang tu tak pernah buat jenayah, ramah dengan orang sekeliling dia, selalu murah dengan senyuman. Tapi, kedekut pulak untuk menderma untuk orang-orang susah. Well...tak ada istilah orang jahat atau orang baik bagi aku. Kadang-kadang nampak kedua2 pihak dalam satu situasi tu sama-sama jahat dan kadang-kadang sama-sama baik.

Atau mungkin jugak orang baik tu dikira berdasarkan perbuatan baik dia yg lebih banyak dari perbuatan jahatnya dan begitulah sebaliknya. Tapi, apa-apapun, kita kenalah buat apa yg agama suruh sebab semua agama menyuruh kepada kebaikan. Perbuatan yg menjurus kepada kebaikan. OK sampai sini saja kot aku merepek buat kesekian kalinya.

Wonder

Just take a break, and let's think..for me who have so much 'free time' for now..lol

For all 23 years I lived in this world, still I am so foolish and stupid, the more I know, the more things undiscovered..the more things I see, the more questions knocking my mind. I stay fool and my stupidity scale keeps on growing.

I have so many questionable things in my mind, like an innocent child I'm asking for the answers

For all the years we have been living, how many people we encounter, some of them come and go just like the wind passing by, some of them come and stay for a while and leave us bleeding a little until time heal the scars, some of them come and stay for a while and go but they stay in our life and in our heart forever.

Some are so judgmental, some are so hypocrite, some are selfish, some are materialistic, some are arrogant, some are invisible, some are lonely, some are understanding, some are listening, some are caring, some are loving, some are kind, some are cruel but that is how the world works.

We sleep, we wake up, we work, we eat, we drink, we communicate, and everyday is almost the same. I wonder how many people in this world only aim for money and this kind of repetitive routines in their life. I wonder when they reach this stage of life so then they will stop aiming and dreaming? Are we supposed to do the same things and routines till we leave this temporary world? Sometimes I think that we never live long enough to discover and explore this mystery world but we can try to do in our own way, right?

Everyone is an amateur, coz we never live long enough to master all the skills we have and to discover all the wonders of the world. I know it's impossible for me too, but I will keep on dreaming and hoping. Hope is the only thing that bigger than fear and the only thing for us to fear on is the fear itself.

Aku merepek apa,just meluahkan sedikit apa yg aku fikir. It's nothing. 

Stars

You, if you are sensible,
When I tell you the stars flash signals, each one dreadful,
You would not turn and answer me,
'The night is wonderful.'

(D. H. Lawrence, 'Under the Oak')

WIDE AWAKE

I'm wide awake
Yeah, I was in the dark

I was falling hard

With an open heart
I'm wide awake
How did I read the stars so wrong?
I'm wide awake
And now it's clear to me
That everything you see
Ain't always what it seems
I'm wide awake
Yeah, I was dreaming for so long

I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn't dive in
Wouldn't bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
'Til I woke up on
On the concrete

Falling from cloud nine
Crashing from the high
I'm letting go tonight
Yeah, I'm falling from cloud nine

I'm wide awake
Not losing any sleep
I picked up every piece
And landed on my feet
I'm wide awake
Need nothing to complete myself, no

I'm wide awake
Yeah, I am born again
Out of the lion's den
I don't have to pretend
And it's too late
The story's over now, the end

HUUUUUU

Why I'm always have this kind of thought in mind...that everything that happened to other people, to my friends..won't and never apply to me.

Bila satu-satu kawan baik aku kawen, aku tetibe persoalkan diri aku bila, tapi ntah kenapa aku selalu fikir yg benda tu mcm mustahil utk aku. Ntah, sekarang pun aku malas nak fikir jugak.LOL

Mungkin sebab aku dah tukarkan dunia aku upside down not like any others. So, that's that.